A Fairy Tale Rewritten by a Woman

Once upon a time,

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in a land far away,

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a beautiful, independent,

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self-assured princess

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happened upon a frog as she sat,

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contemplating ecological issues

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on the shores of an unpolluted pond

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in a verdant meadow near her castle.

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The frog hopped into the princess' lap

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and said: Elegant Lady,

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I was once a handsome prince,

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until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.

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One kiss from you, however,

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and I will turn back

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into the dapper, young prince that I am

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and then, my sweet, we can marry

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and set up housekeeping in your castle

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with my mother,

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where you can prepare my meals,

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clean my clothes, bear my children,

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and forever

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feel grateful and happy doing so.

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That night,

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as the princess dined sumptuously

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on lightly sautéed frog legs

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seasoned in a white wine

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and onion cream sauce,

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she chuckled and thought to herself:

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I don’t fucking think so.

Grocery Store Wars

May the Farm be with you!

SO YOU THINK YOU KNOW EVERYTHING?

"Stewardesses" is the longest word typed with only the left hand and "lollipop" with your right. (Bet you tried this out mentally, didn't you?)

It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.

No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.

"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".(Are you doubting this?)

Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.

The sentence: "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter of the alphabet.

The words 'racecar,' 'kayak' and 'level' are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes).

There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous (You're not doubting this, are you?)

There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: "abstemious" and "facetious."! (Yes, admit it, you are going to say ...... a e i o u)

TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.

All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill

A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.

A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.

A crocodile cannot stick out its tongue.

A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.

A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.

A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.

A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.

A snail can sleep for three years. (I know some people that could do this too.)

Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.

Almonds are a member of the peach family.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.

Butterflies taste with their feet.

Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds. Dogs only have about 10.

February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.

In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.

If the population of China walked past you, in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.

If you are an average American, in your whole life, you will spend an average of 6 months waiting at red lights.

Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.

On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag.

Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite!

Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.

The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.

The cruise liner, QE2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.

The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.

The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.

There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.

There are more chickens than people in the world.

There's no Betty Rubble in the Flintstones Chewables Vitamins.

Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.

Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks; otherwise it will digest itself.

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Now you know everything!

Five tips for a woman

1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.


2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.


3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you.


4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.


5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.

Four Cannibals

A large corporation recently hired several cannibals.

"You are all part of our team now", said the HR rep during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any of our employees".

The cannibals promised they would not.

Four weeks later the HR rep called them together and remarked, "You're all working very hard and we're satisfied with your work. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her"?

The cannibals all shook their heads "No".

After the HR rep had left the room, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?" A hand rose hesitantly.

"You fool!" the leader continued. "For four weeks we've been eating managers! And no one noticed anything. But NOOOooo, you had to go and eat someone who actually does something."